How could she go on knowing she could not go to college like her friends? I guess that’s it though, she has never been like her friends. She has always known that she was different. Like that time in seventh grade when her grandpa died, and she didn’t get out of bed for days. That was before she knew. Now that she heard the news from her dad that he couldn’t afford to send her to college, she would probably fall back into that same old valley. It was a tired and lonesome ride on this rollercoaster. She had ridden it a million times without ever truly knowing why she was the only one on it.
That fall when everyone else was headed off to school, she sat at home. She cried a lot and slept even more. When friends would come to visit, they would come in her room because she wouldn’t even get out of bed. There were days where she would clean her entire room in 24 hours, organizing, rearranging furniture alone. One day she even painted her entire room in a rainbow of neon colors. Those were the high days on this rollercoaster she was on. She could never explain what was going on in her head and no one would understand anyway. Some days she felt like doing things and other days she couldn’t even fathom facing the day.
Years later she found herself hanging with the wrong crowd and neglecting those who meant the most to her. She would go days without talking to her family even though she was terribly homesick. The alcohol, dancing and staying out all night numbed the feeling she had deep down that something was wrong with her. She didn’t want to face the truth that she needed help. Then one day she found herself sitting in the emergency room waiting to be admitted. She sat in the intake and answered a million questions about how she had been feeling, not knowing that her feelings were something that others didn’t feel. The nurse looked very concerned. She was admitted and spent 2 weeks in this awful place hiding her issues from the therapists and passing out during counseling because of the medicine regulating in her system.
After she got out it was like going to school for the first time. You know you are going to have to see a million people that you are unsure how to act around, but you must face the music and try to act normal. Whatever that is… It seemed that everywhere she turned she looked for a friend to confide in and no one was ever worthy. They either thought she was crazy or not worth their time. She felt completely alone in this world. Her whole life she had been trying to find someone who understood her and what was going on in her head and she continued through life with no one.
Some more time had passed and after break downs and highs and lows she once again found herself drinking and partying. This time was different though. This time she got out on her own and decided to finally go to college. That first month of college she spent trying to find “her people” and that is a hard thing to do when you have been trying your whole life and you don’t truly know who “your people” are.
Two months into college she found herself once again in the emergency room. A friend she had met in college was concerned about the way she had been acting. He even called her dad. After all this time of not seeing him it was hard for this to be the reason she sees him again. The doctor waved her over to the nurse’s stand which felt weird to her that he was not coming in her room to discuss findings with her. He asked, “Do you know anything about this?” He pointed to the word positive on his clipboard. She said, “I don’t do drugs. I have never done drugs, and this must be wrong!” He said, “No, honey, you’re pregnant.” She paused. The room spun for a minute. She asked that he get her dad out of the room so she could share the news with the father of this supposed child. She broke the news and he didn’t believe it either. They wouldn’t admit her that day due to the pregnancy and she went home. Once again she was alone and sad and now, she had more on her mind than before.
She married that man. She was told that a wedding was expected. Who says that? She entered this marriage with a complete stranger and expected it to just work out. Why would it work out? She worked hard every day to make his life so easy. She worked every day to be the best mom she could be.
Yet still it was not enough. The fighting continued getting worse and worse and the infidelity just made things so much worse. It is like she was something he stepped in and couldn’t get off his shoe. He made her feel insignificant every day for seven full years. After seven years of that all she had to show for that was her beautiful son. She swore every day that he would never end up like his father. She swore she would teach him how to treat a woman with respect and reverence.
Now here it is almost eighteen years later since our story began and she is finally getting the life she deserves. She found herself a loving betrothed and her son is growing up to be an amazing young man with a heart of gold. There is nothing she would change in her life other than meeting him sooner if she could have, but honestly, he came into her life at the perfect time. She was finally ready to love and finally ready to get the help she needed to get her rollercoaster back on the tracks.
She sought help. She got her medicine regulated and now she can live the life she was meant to live from the beginning.
Thank you Stephanie for sharing your story. It is an amazing story of transformation and God’s healing plan. There is no situation too bad that you can’t still work for your happy ending. A shorter version of her story was also featured on 99.1FM. Hopefully her courage to share her challenges can show another that there is hope and a future forth fighting for.
If you have a story you would like to share, please contact me. I would love to feature you so your voice can also be heard.